Hills and Waves

Last winter, I went on a run. And because I'm me, I was praying while on said run.

Oddly enough, as I jogged around town, I sensed the Holy Spirit’s nudge to do something I desperately did not want to do: turn around and run up the hill I’d just run down.

Feeling somewhat silly but trusting, I did as I was told … again and again and again (guys, I probably ran up and down the same hill like ten or twenty times!).

About half way through this odd endeavor, I asked Jesus why He was challenging me like this, and His answer was pretty profound: so I could remember that He empowers me to do what I do not think I can do.

When I finished my jog, my legs (understandably) felt like jelly. Dreading the last incline I had to conquer—the steps up to my office—I expected to feel that familiar burn in my muscles. But nope. Not even a little bit. I walked up those steps without any sense of the pain I’d just endured, and honestly, it felt like I’d experienced a miracle akin to Him telling the paralyzed man to get up and walk (Mark 2:1-12, NIV).

In total awe, I wholeheartedly believed that the Holy Spirit truly does empower us with the peace, energy, power, endurance, fill in the blank that we need to get through each daunting hill before us …

And at the time, I had no idea how many hills, hardships, horrors I’d encounter in the months ahead.

Readers, it’s been seven and a half months since that Spirit-led jogging excursion, and honestly, they have undoubtably been the hardest months of my life. You see, this encounter with the Lord is part of what inspired me to take a leap of faith and boldly embark on my pursuit of publishing (after all, if there was anything I didn’t think I could do, it was that).

Because I felt so sure that Jesus was guiding me through this book series and empowering me to conquer the big bad publishing monster I’d let hide out in my closest (this is a metaphor, obviously), I was confident that He would make a way for Fear Fighting to get printed. A streamlined, simple, easy-peasy way.

Thus, as the months went on—with my hard-fought efforts resulting in zero publisher responses, social media advancement, or sales of my other books—I frantically clung to the notion that easy was right around the corner.

Turns out, that corner housed the biggest monster yet: no one has time for all your chatter.

This is the second time I’ve mentioned that publisher’s feedback because, in all honesty, those words cut me to the core. Upon reading them, a part of me went numb: the part where faith and confidence and purpose resides. I’ve dealt with bouts of depression before, but never like that. It felt like my entire identity was obliterated ‘cause rejecting the book that has my heart and soul embedded in its pages is akin to rejecting me. To saying that no one has time for me. No one wants me.

There’s a song (by Ellie Holcomb) that says I was walking on water one minute Now I'm drownin' in it and guys, that’s exactly how I felt.

A humongous wave had blindsided me and knocked me down. Despite my attempts to broach the waters’ surface, for months, I was drowning in a depression unlike anything I ever knew.

Every time I started to feel like I was getting closer to the surface, another wave would hit: grandpa broke his leg so I had to deal with that instead of spending quiet time with the Lord; the Bible study I was leading was so stressful, so I had to deal with that instead of writing with the Lord; the next publisher rejected my book, so I had to deal with self-publishing instead of healing with the Lord; I went on a camping trip and only slept an hour because I was so tense about being attacked by a bear, so I had to deal with catching up on sleep instead of drawing close to the Lord (sensing a theme yet?).

The hills, monsters, waves, whatever analogy we’re going with in this chapter now … would not end. But as it turns out, they don’t have to.

Two days ago, I got the feedback from the editor who’s helping get Fear Fighting ready for self-publishing:

First of all, what a wonderful book! I want you to know how genuinely good the manuscript is! Your honesty is seen and felt. I've spent a lot of time teaching writing seminars around the country, and one of the biggest difficulties is getting writers to write HONESTLY. You've clearly done so. I personally had a remarkable battle with [anxiety] in my late teens and a resource like this is something I wish I would have had!! Your voice on page carries the whole thing and makes the deeper aspects of the study totally approachable. So seriously, well done! 

Guys, as I read that email, it was like Jesus was taking a giant eraser over no one has time for all your chatter.

Over the past few months, He’s been revealing and healing a lot of wounds about deep seeded rejection and self-hatred that I’ve been carrying, and it doesn’t make any sense how, but He used that email to begin restoring everything that I thought I’d lost. The drive and passion I feel to write this book is back, simply because He’s reminded me that it is valuable; that I am valuable.

God’s spoken His life and love through other Christians—not just this publisher, but also a friend who straight up said Maddie, you don’t have to think that you’re a burden all the time and a mom who’s started saying at random times you matter to me, you’re important to me—and this, my friends, leads us to today's twofold lesson:

1) Words matter. “The tongue has the power of life and death,” according to Proverbs 18:21, and “the words of the reckless pierce like swords, [while] the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov 12:18, NIV). Therefore, speak life; you never know how a single statement can be energized by the Almighty.

2) Keep trying. To some degree, the waves and hills and monsters will always exist in this world. Jesus says we will have trouble, but praise the Lord that the verse doesn’t end there: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33, NIV). Ecclesiastes tells us that there’s a season to everything, which means that the waves and hills and monsters won’t always be super duper prevalent (3:1-8, NIV). The trials will relent at some point, so have to keep persevering with the Lord. When we least expect it, He can usher us into seasons of respite, recovery, and restoration.

And so, I feel like it’s only fitting that we wrap up our time with a broader look at the Ellie Holcomb song He also used to encourage me:

Well it came out of nowhere

Knocked me off of my feet

Took the breath from my lungs

Till the light of the sun

Was swallowed up by the sea...

I was walking on water one minute

Now I'm drownin' in it

My faith cannot save me

Oh, and I cry out

When I'm sinking down

Thinking, surely this is the end

And You give me Your hand...

I don't know what tomorrow's holding

I don't think I'll ever understand

I might have this sorrow with me, oh

But You give me Your hand

When I don't understand

You give me Your hand

(This song references Matthew 14:22-33, where Peter starts walking on water, stops trusting Jesus, starts sinking, and is rescued by the Eternal Lifeguard Himself. It’s been a favorite passage of mine recently. Take a look at it sometime.)

Through every season, friends, our God stays the same. He will never stop guiding us, loving us, and working all things for good (Rom 8:28, NIV). So don’t cling to expectations of ease, nor the assumption that everything will work out as you want it to, but to the nail-scarred hands of the God Who overcame death to beckon you into Life.

Healing takes time—and who knows, tomorrow I may feel awful again—but as long as our hands are intertwined with His, we are safe.

Always and eternally safe.