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Planning: It's My Favorite!

I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

That fills you with confidence, doesn't it?

You see, typically, I have a plan.

In fact, typically I can't stop planning. I write these posts in the morning, so the night before, I lie awake and brainstorm until the melatonin kicks in and sleep overtakes me.

Its part of my personality, I think, to be a planner. That Type A perfectionist. But I'm not naïve enough to understand that my OCD also plays a role. Trust me, I don't lay awake at night because I want to, but because my brain won't shut up!

With OCD, there's this thing called rumination, aka,


and thinking

and thinking.

I go in circles, replaying and analyzing and scheming over and over again, believing that, if I think long enough, I will reach some sort of solution to my worries.

I do it with a lot of stuff: social situations where I think I acted weird, confusion I have over Scripture, planning my workouts, planning my day, planning my blogpost.

You sensing a theme here?

Planning is probably my favorite pastime.

You know that Christmas movie with Buddy the elf? He says "smiling is my favorite." Well, that's how passionate I am about planning-- it's my favorite.

I'm not like Buddy, though.

Planning isn't my favorite because I enjoy it, but because I feel like I'm solving my problems and getting rid of that incessant fear.

But I'm wrong. With OCD and rumination, I may feel better for a moment, but the fear always spirals back. So I plan more. Fear, plan, fear, plan, on an endless loop.

Clearly, this is a problem. Besides the fact that it wastes a ton of time and gets me absolutely nowhere, this cycle puts the control in my hands. And that control doesn't belong with me.

If I had control over all things, this world would be an obsessive compulsive mess!

That's why God needs to have the control. Lord knows, His hands are big enough to hold the whole world ;)

That's why I don't have a plan for today's post. I'm trying this new thing called surrender. Maybe you've heard of it.

It means that I go against my fearful nature. It means that I don't try to plan and control every little detail, particularly when I'm laying in bed and aching to sleep.

It means I say, "God, I don't know, but I trust that You do."

And wouldn't you know, He did! He crafted a post all on His own, no Maddie-planning necessary. I think I like this no-planning thing. Maybe I'll make surrender my new favorite.


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